The terror of the next sentence is a real fear when ur high and paranoid. Wondering whether u said things that either dug u into one hefty slump that not another sentence could raise and redeem you from, or if u made a profound articulation of sorts that could save the world. Or atleast ur world.
Lately everything I say while Im around others after I've smoked herb feels incriminating, like it's doing me in, like it's all wrong and confusing and contradictory-- Like it is literally raping the air its inhabiting, vile and violating everything-- It feels like each word is nothing more than a testament to my sickness, my inconsistencies, my fatal mind and mood-- And I keep wondering as I speak, if Im selling myself out and exposed my raw uncool convoluted and less-than-fantastic mental state-- this is paraonia and vulnerability I feel when smoke now--
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I remember that awkward day with Matt after we smoked thc oil, when he hugged me after I said something so off-balance, so close to primitive insanity- that the sheer speaking of it I was sure would turn him off forever, make him take me home and delete my number for good-- But instead he put is arms around me and we went and sat outside his front steps and enjoyed the warm pre-Spring day.
The remaining snow was still white and plowed into box and pryamid shapes infront of the petite suburban homes in his neighborhood. I coulda sworn he had bought something of my soul with/for that.