Yes, I've drowned in tears, drowned in regret. Drowned in disbelief and emptiness. I don't know if all this means I'm changing, become better-- or if I will it will instead just make me tasteless and obsolete and unusable.
I am locking the door to my own defeat, gonna make sure no one comes in with bad opinions and false hope and tiresome cliches. Gonna make sure no thieves come in to rob and tear again or make me believe that God really does have my best interest at heart.
I have been through hell and even drank hell down to gut. Part of my horror is what lurks in the shadows. the dislodging of my person-- The demons that won't let me wake up without anxiety. Without feeling like whatever I walk on is unsteady.
I am tired. How do I give up? Where do I go to give up?