I opened myself up,
Tiffany, and he said I was crazy
and he offered me a drink off fire
with his big beating words
and in my big beating bones
I ate the flames, burned, and
was buried by the lake where I
offered Jesus my life
for the millionth time
And he called himself a lion
and he called me up, he called me
"Elle" I was so frustrated that
I had to drive home in muddy lake water
All over my body
it would have made sense to no one but me
And even to me,
Even to me,
it has stopped reticently making sense
In this rendition of you and I
I claw up for anything I can get my
hands on, to keep u drafted, to ignite
a spark
To let God and his angels know
Just how fucking tired of it all I am
Early in the mornings
I wake up, and I wanna read in Psalms
or Isaiah or Song of Songs
but instead I cling to my music
my music which has brought me health
and wealth-- unlike you, O GOD
who has only brought me the sword
The cutting up of my flesh to pieces
so that you could look upon me
Like I am no longer a child, but a son
and heir even to your great Kingdom
Come in, I say, sweet flow of life
Let not this ransomed sinner die
For you have tainted it all
All with your breathe
and I assume it was the same breathe
that gave life to adam
when you breathed in through his nostrils
when you made him a woman
after he had named all the animals
and found there was no match for him
Do you need a woman O Lord
I offer myself again
into your slavery
like a black man and his family
cooking and cleaning and tending
to the fields for the fathomless
idea that you might call me
to your dinner party-- again
this time in a way that makes me swoon
this time with the words "ur beautiful"
"ur mine" "I love you" attached
this time, tell me that you know
who the fuck I am
and prove it.
I'm sorry, I say to the stars
to all the young ones who have
gone before us, into what I wonder?
into paradise, I'm heretical, and I wont say, "they'll rise in the last day" but they've already risen and are like birds
in our memory, we speak to them as if to the same person we once knew
but maybe, just maybe, they were
always intended to fall into your glory
before they turned 20, or 30
as the case may be
I am astounded because you know so much
O Lord, you have made my witts
like rags
my smart calls
like a dogs growl
my cleverness into mudd
my intelligence like dead dry leaves
that falls to the ground,
falls and no one notices
what i'm saying or even wants to pick
the dead dry leaves up
I am honored that u would
even come to me
well, NO
you go to many
Many who dont have limbs
a mouth to speak
many who are weak, and shy
but you came to me
a toiling and treacherous
kind of creature
a loud and adventureous
and big
a big kind of creature
with your talks of Spirit-
I could die
I could die
I could die
I scream to the rain.
And just as I know,
I have not been thoroughly
avenged
I have not lied to you O Lord
being the liar and theif that I am
have I ever stolen from you
O my God
yet in the sight of my supplication
you flee
in the sight of my destruction
you are no where to be found
I will wash away UR disencumbrence
with the blood i've shed
for you and him and him and
him
and him
and her and her and them
with this blood, i thee wed
with this blood, i've now said
I will take up this matt and walk
I will take this waterpot and not leave
it behind, for my life is the only thing
i'm really sure of
that has and is existing
and You, they have talked
about your lovingkindness, ur mighty
mighty ways and by the sword
which you have given to me
which has broken me like clay
i stick to friday night
movies
and saturday night bars
Will u listen? when I am petrified
when I dont know how to sing karaoke
will you be my voice?
When I cant sing as high as alanis or
mariah, will you content with this
gentle love
this most ancient of diseases
I touched the fringe of your garment
I touched the fringe of your garment
and you said, infront of everyone
that you knew me not
was it not I
who seeked u out in the dark??
OH how i wish my shallow grave
would extend out into your courts
how i wish they would burn my body all around
like they did in the old days
a heroic death
among stars, i want a place
not among the grains of sand
i wanna be a flower and not grass
I wanna be truly happy
but you've withheld your love, your grace
your abundant life
and I toss and turn at night
wondering if when you said "i am everything" to me, you really meant it
or you were just being a pig
like every man
a fucking pig
I cried so much yesterday
I couldnt stop i hardly knew
what i was even crying for
except that even all covered up
i could not strike that rock
for water
i am thirsty
and u wont give me life
I am dying and you wont take me in
A NEW BEGINNING'
is my prayer
a new beginning in this town
with this dream
I believe you tho,
I do
in the worst of times
in the deadliest of things
I believe you